A few weeks ago I debuted this blog talking about vacuums, and how I want one. Well, in that post, I referenced the hall closet containing this vacuum, specifically describing it as a Design Flaw. After living in this apartment for almost a month, the time has finally arrived for me to identify these Flaws, of which there are MANY.
Firstly, let’s talk about this closet. This hall closet is so small, you can’t even take out the vacuum without getting crafty. This is dumb. If I’m trying to clean my apartment, I don’t want to be crafty. If I’m stress cleaning because some guy is subletting his apartment to me without tidying his room before he leaves, I don’t want to have to be crafty. To be fair, there isn’t really a better way to design the closet without redoing the entire apartment, because making it any bigger would cut into the necessary bathroom space, and the bathroom really shouldn’t get much smaller. I’ll give this one a 4/10, but only because it doesn’t really inconvenience me since I never take out the vacuum, because it doesn’t even work.
Figure 1: Me trying to take the vacuum out of the closet (for the last time, because I won’t ever use it, because it doesn’t work).
The next major Design Flaw resides in the kitchen. Figure 2 displays me trying to open a poorly constructed silverware drawer. I would say that the owner must have been drunk while building all of these things, but honestly, I’ve built things while ~*Not Sober*~ and still did a way better job (one time last summer, we had people over to my house, but I wasn’t feeling social, so I poured a tequila shot into a Corona and built a 2-drawer TV stand, with no Flaws, tysm). To be honest, I wouldn’t mind that the drawers aren’t really mounted on a track, but what really GRINDS my GEARS is that the drawer doesn’t even open all the due to its close proximity to a bracket supporting the counter (shown in Figure 2). This means I can’t even see what silverware I’m trying to get. I’m pretty solid at putting all the forks/knives back where they go, but I s2g if I grab a serrated steak knife instead of a fork one more time because I can’t see into a freaking drawer, I’m going to pull out the drawer in a fit of rage and keep it on the floor until I move out. This one gets a 3/10 because it makes me mad but honestly I can live with it.
Figure 2: a) Example of how the drawer gets stuck when I try to open it. b) Top view of the drawer at maximum extension. Notice how, except for the spoons, all silverware is a mystery.
Flaw #3, on the other hand, is a particularly large oversight in design. The bathroom in my apartment consists of two sections, both of which are tiny, that are separated by a second door. “This is nice,” you are probably thinking, “because it allows one person to use the restroom or shower without prohibiting use of the sink.” Yes, you are correct. This is indeed permissible. Theoretically, I could take a nice, long poop behind closed doors while my roommate stands on the other side of a thin wall and and brushes her teeth. But, as you can tell from Figure 3, the two doors aren’t spaced far enough apart to be a convenient mechanism of privacy. They have caused me both PAIN and SUFFERING when I try to open and close them, because the bathroom is so small that I usually just bump myself in the forehead with one of the doors while trying to avoid the other. I hate them. 2/10, because usually they are the most annoying and inconvenient when I really have to poop.
Figure 3: An example of the overlapping pathways of the doors. Imagine trying to pee at 3am and having to navigate this idiocy .
Design Flaw #4 isn’t so much at the fault of the apartment designers as it is the previous tenant. In my bedroom, there is a nice, dark wooden dresser. It has four, big drawers. Unfortunately, only one drawer out of all four drawers will actually stay in place. This dresser has been so poorly constructed that the sides of the drawers (where the slide-y wheels should be mounted) are too far apart at the base to actually support the drawers. How horrible. How awful. The bottom drawer can rest on the ground, and I never have to move it because I have to keep the third drawer on the ground in front of it. This makes me anxious because a) it makes my room seem a lot messier than it needs to be and b) I am constantly trying not to stub my toe on an unnecessarily obtrusive corner. The second drawer is lucky enough to still somehow balance in place, which makes me even more anxious because it could fall at any moment. 1/10. 0/10 as soon at the drawer falls.
Figure 4: My horribly constructed dresser. Notice the tilt in the bottom drawer, and how the third drawer sticks out like it’s trying to stub my toe. Please ignore the other mess, because for that, I have no one to blame but myself.
Last but not least is Design Flaw #5, which is arguably the dumbest Flaw in this entire building. Notice how in Figure 5, there are two elevators. Now, my building has 8 floors, including the basement. People live on all 8 floors (I’m on the 4th), but the basement is also home to the laundry room and all of the mailboxes. And for some stupid reason, the basement is only accessible from one of the elevators. That’s right folks: out of these 2 elevators, both alike in dignity (R&J, anyone?), only the left one goes to the basement. Imagine how dumb I felt when I got home from work, entered the building on floor 1, pressed the DOWN BUTTON, and who shows up? The elevator that CAN’T GO DOWN. “Silly Katie!” you might think, “Why don’t you just take the stairs?” Well let me tell you, my building has 2 sets of stairs. One of them is right next to the lobby/elevators, as well as my apartment’s location on the 4th floor AND the mailboxes in the basement, while the other one is all the way on the other side of my building (it’s a long building). The stairs and the elevators have a lot in common, because ONLY ONE OF THEM (the inconvenient one) ACTUALLY GOES TO THE BASEMENT. Regardless, you can imagine that, when I found that pressing the down button resulted in an elevator that WOULD NOT GO DOWN, I was livid. Even worse is when I’m trying to do laundry and I call the elevators. Now, I usually take the stairs, but when I’m carrying a bag of laundry (read: too much laundry that I should have done a week ago but didn’t have enough quarters to pay for), I don’t want to carry it down 4 flights of stairs. However, when I try to take the elevator, there is a 50% chance that I can only take it down to the first floor, and then I’ll have to walk (with my giant bag of too much laundry) through the lobby and building, and down a flight of stairs anyways.
Figure 5: The two elevators. On the left is the Good Elevator, and on the right, the Elevator Of Lies.
In other words, I really can’t wait to move out.